April 9th, 2016
And a bit more… A decade of growing up. In 2006 when I made the skin and started this site… I thought I was an adult. I was wrong. Looking back now… To the me in those days…
She was suffering from love she could not accept or even understand this fact herself and was definitely not welcome by it’s target. She was starting to feel the illness in her head and body - generalized anxiety disorder with its worries and twitches without having a name for it, that in a few years would take her through hell - a time she has to let everything burn to find out who she is and then work really hard to get out of the personal mess this leaves her. She survives and learns and grows… Physically she grows and shrinks almost like the moon in a cycle. And comes out from the other end, as me.
I read this site from start to end sometimes, to remember. Since this is public… it’s not all here, just the fragments… but they bring it all back. I wish I could tell her, the me from a decade ago - you can if you want to. Don’t hold yourself back, life will hurt you much less than you are hurting yourself.
How the me of decade to come will see all this… I can’t even guess I’d like to tell her tho… Whatever happens next… In this day, I was content. I knew who I was, what I wanted and was cynical enough to accept - life never gives you what you plan for or want or even need. You are forever stuck rolling with the punches. But rolling in the direction you want to go is good enough. After all, it’s a journey, we do it for the sake of travelling, not to get to the end. The end is always very reachable, fast. We avoid it as long as we can
I hope I manage to keep at least a copy of this around until then
In this decade I went from a girl to a woman to a mother. In this decade I found out who I am when all is lost. In this decade I stopped being scared, replacing it with anger when needed. In this decade I found the strength to start seeing the ways the world is made wrong and being vocal about it - the only way I see to change the world. Our world is made mind first - what we believe shapes it in more ways than people believe possible. In the next decade… I may become disillusioned about this approach But hey… I had to try
August 6th, 2015
I’m now a mommy of a toddler, busy toddling about. This is probably partly the reason, why I’ve become obsessed with “hacking the real world” - joining social activity groups, writing oppinion pieces here and there and all in all wanting to fix the world and ensure that the whole species has a future of sorts and in the long perspective, this means getting off this rock and out and about in the solar system as soon as possible…
I would like to take this moment and point out that if there is anybody out there setting up a business to build space based solar power collectors - If you need an experienced data warehouse person(who is also well versed in programming of all kinds regardles of os/platform, SCRUM, computer hardware, networking and general nerding) - GET OFF YOUR ARSE AND OFFER ME A JOB! :D Man machine interface builders - YOU TOO
That said - life is reasonable. Not great - there could always be more money and less hassle - but reasonable I miss some of my interests, that ive lost the time for with a toddler in the house. But she will grow and there will be time again. GIMP project wont vanish in a year or two
July 9th, 2014
Time has passed. My daughter was born with spring… changing everything. I had illusions… but being a mother at least for now superseeds all that I have ever been before.
She is beautiful…
Labour was hard, she was slighly ahead of schedule and we have some feeding trouble but… she is still perfect… when she sleeps other times she is merely wonderful.
On midsummer day a year of marrage is behind me. I hope there will be many more. He isn’t perfect, but I never expected him to be… nobody is perfect. I love him. I love our daughter. We are family and if somebody entered our house with intent to harm us… i could and would kill to protect them.
December 31st, 2013
Year is ending. I guess it’s time to look back. To muse and draw conclusions…
It started with notes of acceptance and sadness - a person close to me was finally forced to admit that alcohol has taken over and not even ONE drink is okay… And hope, as acceptance is the first and mandatory step of managing an addiction…
Most of spring was a mental and emotional roller-coaster of looking for a home for me and the man who bound me by binding me by my heart and my finger with a ring. Nerve-wrecking and crazy as it was, in May I sat in the sun in my own front yard in a hanging chair under a blooming apple tree looking at a sparking wind chime and listening to it’s sounds.
It’s a nearly century old house under tall trees in a small spacious bigger than a village smaller than a town kind of place far enough, but not too far from the big city where I work. It’s OLD and it seems to have been inhabited DIY kind of people for ages, some better at it than others. There’s outright insane “bugs” in it and there are some nice solutions and things where you can see that people have fixed things for themselves. And it’s not perfect, but it’s perfectly livable with plenty of room for us to shape it into our own home. If I had gotten something in a better shape, and I could have, provided I would have given up some of my other requirements like size and relative privacy, I would be left without that freedom and this freedom I value most.
On Midsummer Day, the Summer Equinox, I married a man I love in a manner that is all-filling and yet so simple. In him is the same darkness as in me… slightly different as no two people are the same… but close enough. I have white love laced with blood red strands of passion for this man with inner darkness and by all accounts he is just as strongly bound to me. If it will last, only time can tell, but for now, it feels as right as something can feel and I have no fear of being bound to him for ever.
Two months later I was looking at a pair of stripes that not so long ago were an impossibility for me. Not by accident, they were quite expected Soon to be followed by morning sickness and other joys that come with being occupied by something that after 40 weeks wants to emerge as a new person… I have a fierce personality to begin with… adding the hormonal mother lion in there… hasn’t been that helpful … Other ladies at work who have been pregnant have managed to be quite inconspicuous about it even with BIG bumps… I hoped it would be the same for me… but oh no… At 25 weeks I still have no noticeable bump, just slight plumpness that can just as well be accounted by too many donuts… But I have totally failed at inconspicuous. It’s gotten into my head way more than I ever imagined possible. Hormones are crazy magic The feeling of being occupied… Is strange. When the little one is busy kicking me… it feels odd, yet calming… when she’s been quiet I worry, if she is alright… So it has started - the endless worries and joys of parenting. She already has a name too, but I’m not telling until she comes out
In this year I’ve been forced to admit that I have a fondness for old imperfect things and fixing them, from Christmas lights to baby cribs and cars. And some acute problems with letting things I have repaired well beyond sensibility go… My car, Binky, for instance. It’s a rust bucket, damaged in many many ways, old and failing… And I’m still not ready to give it up. It’s market value is only slightly above scrap metal… But we have such a long history, for example I often find myself using the distance between the steering wheel and me to compare my different sizes (the space has been nearly zero at my top weight), and it is my first car… I wish I was rich enough to toss all the economic considerations and just FIX IT. For the soul… but I have a baby on the way that forces me to be more sensible than Id like… So I just keep buying the occasional lottery ticket in the hopes that perhaps… and thinking that some day I will give it up… but not yet, not today.
I’ve also been forced to admit that I actually like mechanical work and working on cars as much as I like computers. They are so very similar, but a well running car has this rewarding real-worldness that many computer things don’t. I have no formal education in it but I dream of a garage of my own… Even if just as a hobby. If it ever happens, I don’t know… but for anything to happen there needs to be an idea first The totally impossible things are the things never considered.
So… A colorful year. A magical year. Next year promises to be in no way more boring as this is the year I will have to face the biggest and scariest bits of being a woman - giving birth and being a parent.
April 30th, 2013
It’s been a while again. Im starting a new cycle… New home, family… The past year has been full of change… and yet, I feel the same. Different, changed, but still utterly and completely me - myself with all the good and bad bits.
BTW, the surgery worked, Im 5kg away from my ideal weight
August 16th, 2012
4.5 months ago I chose change. Now I feel like Alice down the rabit hole, discovering a whole new world that gets weirder by the minute. Unlike Alice I only shrink. But that is enough for distorting the world significantly. Some change is slow and sneaky, some sudden and unexpected. And still somehow fun….
There is a stranger in my mirror. It will take a bit of time to accept that the person is me… I’m now 20kg below my lowest adult weight and still shrinking.
April 1st, 2012
I started writing a long version of what’s been going on in my life since I last posted anything here… but I don’t have the the guts to hit publish button. Much of it is personal and not everybody need to see it… So I’ll do a short version.
The very short version is: I am alive and kicking, and better than I have ever been.
The slightly longer version below explains why that is.
First, in 2008 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder aka GAD. If you want to know what GAD feels like, imagine how you would feel stranded all alone in the middle of a mine field. Every step is a life and death decision. I used to feel like that going out in public, for example shopping groceries. It’s not like that any more. Now it’s down to a walk in a forest on a stormy day scary. And that’s GREAT. It’s manageable. This is where I got with therapy. It’s at a point I can function without too much effort and I’m working on breaking down specific barriers. I will be fine.
Second - my weight. I have had problems with it for my whole life. In 2007 I weighed 144kg. It was scary. It started to weigh me down. I could not jump any more. I needed to get some medical help. With considerable effort and some diet pills and diabetes meds I got my weight down to my so far lowest adult weight - 115kg. That was mid 2008.
And then my mind imploded. So many things happened at once that made my mind snap. My dog died, the new job wasn’t going too well and a relationship that had been dead and buried reanimated and started running along a catastrophe curve for me… He never told me how he felt about it… But I was going through hell. And yet, I could not put a stop to it. To bury it again. I was torn in half because my mind wanted one and my heart wanted a totally different thing… And I just could not cope. Anxiety consumed me. Followed by a nearly lethal depression. I chose to live. The psych meds helped. But I think most of it was a sense of escape. A relief. I let everything go. All my fears and inhibitions… There was no tomorrow. For a while at least…. When that period was over, I found myself in a relationship, in a different town, living with someone even more unstable than me… And wise enough to let it run it’s course. In spring of 2010 I moved out but the relationship lingered. Today, it is over. I don’t see myself ever going back. He was not a bad person… Just different. Some of those differences were what made him a perfect mate for me, others made it impossible and in the long term, killed the relationship. It just didn’t work out. It’s sad, but that’s how it is…
As soon as I moved out I restarted my weight struggles. My weight had ticked right back up. I was now 135kg again. Found new doctors in the new town, got Wii Fit and a year later a little dog called Fredi and stopped eating any old how. In the end of 2011 I weighed 120 kg. My diet was near perfect in the sense of what I ate. And yet… The loss was stopping. My doctor suggested that I should consider weight loss surgery. And I did. I read everything I could about it and found that it was about the only shot I had at getting to near normal weight. I made the surgeons appointment and went to see him in Feburary. Today I am one week post-op gastric bypass patient and the year ahead promises to be interesting at least… And to anyone asking if I really had to go get myself cut up and pasted together, the answer is a resounding yes. Even if I get hit with the side-effects down the line. Even if I should die from this. The answer is still yes.
So, I’m sane, single and slimming down(hopefully). Awesome:)
July 14th, 2009
I pretty much live in/near Tallinn these days, so I see a lot of stuff that you previously could only see on TV. One of those is the brand new Victory Column that Ive had the chance to eye from the window of a buss on several occasions. No offense, but people who approved this glass monster need a slap on the back of the head and a dunce hat. Its outright ugly. Really. Its about the ugliest monument I’ve ever seen. Materials wise mostly. The glass sucks. It’s transparent for fucks sake, makes the whole thing just fade into the background and the embedded lights at night make it tacky. Its a memorial for a war that happened about 90 years ago. A statue that yells “–MODERN ART, SEE IT HERE!” just does not fit.
But sitting in that same bus I heard something else. A man with a little girl was sitting next to me. The girl was perhaps 5 or so. She looked at it. She remembered what it was called, sort of, and asked daddy about it humorously saying it wrong (she called it “sammal” meaning moss, instead of using the word “sammas” for column or monument). It was interesting to listen the dad, not much older than I am, explaining to the kid about Estonia’s War of Independence and that the monument was for people who died in it. Listening to that conversation nearly redeemed the monster in my eyes(not the designers and not the approving committee, mind you). Its important to have something that kids can ask about. That is the way a nations memory of its past is preserved, through kids asking and parents telling, and not just schoolbooks.
EDIT: Here’s a look at it, if you dont believe me.
March 29th, 2009
Definitely a major release coming up. I of all people have a boyfriend… Three months ago… I thought Id never love again. Just fucking hurts too much. May be that was because I loved someone who was a wall. A man so untouchable that all I got was hurt. Then I met him… A man without any walls. So open and honest and real. Not an ordinary man, but one I could let near me. One I could actually care for and not just screw. Its a rather different feeling, this love that does not hurt. Since I met him Ive pretty much stayed with him…
Only life will tell… what will become of this release, this new life…
November 22nd, 2008
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee for every byte of data you entail,
My soul in recursion over thee without an end,
As deep as the Internets can reach, as high as airwaves go,
At the lowest level of each bit you are recorded in,
At height of every memory burnt in the brain.
I love thee freely, as Linux is free to use and build upon,
I love thee purely, as assembler running on the naked core,
I love thee with passionate heat of GPU running full power,
I love thee with love I never could kill, not even with -9,
With sadness and joy and laughter - the whole of my life,
even beyond the final powerdown I shall love thee.
It’s a perfectly good geeky love poem. Feel free to use it on your geeky loved ones. Didn’t do me any good. Shouldn’t be surprised, throwing words at walls seldom does. That should be finished now tho. I might still do that… but the wall should not be talking back. Talking to walls is fine as long as they don’t talk back. When they talk back… Well. Insanity ahoy!