Alexia Death ART

The short version…

April 1st, 2012

I started writing a long version of what’s been going on in my life since I last posted anything here… but I don’t have the the guts to hit publish button. Much of it is personal and not everybody need to see it… So I’ll do a short version.

The very short version is: I am alive and kicking, and better than I have ever been.

The slightly longer version below explains why that is.
First, in 2008 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder aka GAD. If you want to know what GAD feels like, imagine how you would feel stranded all alone in the middle of a mine field. Every step is a life and death decision. I used to feel like that going out in public, for example shopping groceries. It’s not like that any more. Now it’s down to a walk in a forest on a stormy day scary. And that’s GREAT. It’s manageable. This is where I got with therapy. It’s at a point I can function without too much effort and I’m working on breaking down specific barriers. I will be fine.

Second - my weight. I have had problems with it for my whole life. In 2007 I weighed 144kg. It was scary. It started to weigh me down. I could not jump any more. I needed to get some medical help. With considerable effort and some diet pills and diabetes meds I got my weight down to my so far lowest adult weight - 115kg. That was mid 2008.

And then my mind imploded. So many things happened at once that made my mind snap. My dog died, the new job wasn’t going too well and a relationship that had been dead and buried reanimated and started running along a catastrophe curve for me… He never told me how he felt about it… But I was going through hell. And yet, I could not put a stop to it. To bury it again. I was torn in half because my mind wanted one and my heart wanted a totally different thing… And I just could not cope. Anxiety consumed me. Followed by a nearly lethal depression. I chose to live. The psych meds helped. But I think most of it was a sense of escape. A relief. I let everything go. All my fears and inhibitions… There was no tomorrow. For a while at least…. When that period was over, I found myself in a relationship, in a different town, living with someone even more unstable than me… And wise enough to let it run it’s course. In spring of 2010 I moved out but the relationship lingered. Today, it is over. I don’t see myself ever going back. He was not a bad person… Just different. Some of those differences were what made him a perfect mate for me, others made it impossible and in the long term, killed the relationship. It just didn’t work out. It’s sad, but that’s how it is…

As soon as I moved out I restarted my weight struggles. My weight had ticked right back up. I was now 135kg again. Found new doctors in the new town, got Wii Fit and a year later a little dog called Fredi and stopped eating any old how. In the end of 2011 I weighed 120 kg. My diet was near perfect in the sense of what I ate. And yet… The loss was stopping. My doctor suggested that I should consider weight loss surgery. And I did. I read everything I could about it and found that it was about the only shot I had at getting to near normal weight. I made the surgeons appointment and went to see him in Feburary. Today I am one week post-op gastric bypass patient and the year ahead promises to be interesting at least… And to anyone asking if I really had to go get myself cut up and pasted together, the answer is a resounding yes. Even if I get hit with the side-effects down the line. Even if I should die from this. The answer is still yes.

So, I’m sane, single and slimming down(hopefully). Awesome:)
See ya

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Musings of ugly statues and life

July 14th, 2009

I pretty much live in/near Tallinn these days, so I see a lot of stuff that you previously could only see on TV. One of those is the brand new Victory Column that Ive had the chance to eye from the window of a buss on several occasions. No offense, but people who approved this glass monster need a slap on the back of the head and a dunce hat. Its outright ugly. Really. Its about the ugliest monument I’ve ever seen. Materials wise mostly. The glass sucks. It’s transparent for fucks sake, makes the whole thing just fade into the background and the embedded lights at night make it tacky. Its a memorial for a war that happened about 90 years ago. A statue that yells “–MODERN ART, SEE IT HERE!” just does not fit.

But sitting in that same bus I heard something else. A man with a little girl was sitting next to me. The girl was perhaps 5 or so. She looked at it. She remembered what it was called, sort of, and asked daddy about it humorously saying it wrong (she called it “sammal” meaning moss, instead of using the word “sammas” for column or monument). It was interesting to listen the dad, not much older than I am, explaining to the kid about Estonia’s War of Independence and that the monument was for people who died in it. Listening to that conversation nearly redeemed the monster in my eyes(not the designers and not the approving committee, mind you). Its important to have something that kids can ask about. That is the way a nations memory of its past is preserved, through kids asking and parents telling, and not just schoolbooks.

EDIT: Here’s a look at it, if you dont believe me.

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Life 3.0 beta

March 29th, 2009

Definitely a major release coming up. I of all people have a boyfriend… Three months ago… I thought Id never love again. Just fucking hurts too much. May be that was because I loved someone who was a wall. A man so untouchable that all I got was hurt. Then I met him… A man without any walls. So open and honest and real. Not an ordinary man, but one I could let near me. One I could actually care for and not just screw. Its a rather different feeling, this love that does not hurt. Since I met him Ive pretty much stayed with him…

Only life will tell… what will become of this release, this new life…

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Running into walls…

November 22nd, 2008

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee for every byte of data you entail,
My soul in recursion over thee without an end,
As deep as the Internets can reach, as high as airwaves go,
At the lowest level of each bit you are recorded in,
At height of every memory burnt in the brain.
I love thee freely, as Linux is free to use and build upon,
I love thee purely, as assembler running on the naked core,
I love thee with passionate heat of GPU running full power,
I love thee with love I never could kill, not even with -9,
With sadness and joy and laughter - the whole of my life,
even beyond the final powerdown I shall love thee.

…

It’s a perfectly good geeky love poem. Feel free to use it on your geeky loved ones. Didn’t do me any good. Shouldn’t be surprised, throwing words at walls seldom does. That should be finished now tho. I might still do that… but the wall should not be talking back. Talking to walls is fine as long as they don’t talk back. When they talk back… Well. Insanity ahoy!

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Death in my life…

July 14th, 2008

My dog died last night. On Friday he ran of to the village and got into a fight over some female. He came back with a gash over his eye and sore as usual… He had done this before… But this time there was internal damage and this morning he was dead… I saw it coming as he got weaker and the bulge on this neck grew. I worried. Its never a good sign when you have to take a dogs collar off. I did that on Saturday when the bulge got bigger. I took it off and kind of said my goodbyes then, part of me already knew. And when it happened… there was even a sort of relief. It was over. No more worry. Just sadness.

…

It’s better this time. Ive lost a dog before. Delta was 9 months old when he ran under a truck. It hurt like hell then. When we took Rocky as a puppy I made it clear for myself - he is here only for a short while, love him, don’t cling to him. Their lives are so much shorter than ours anyway… Yes, perhaps this could have been prevented by keeping him chained up… But is that life? I would like to believe he had a full happy life with us as long as it lasted… And the best I can do is remember him.

…

There will be a new puppy in the house soon… It’s a farmhouse. We never go without for long. It will be a different natured creature, just like two people are different. It will live its own short life and die its own little death only to be followed by another puppy… Thus is life.

…

I’ve been watching Doctor Who lately… There is a strange analogy. The Doctor lives so long… And his companions are quite human. Their lives are to him like those of pets for us. He cares for them deeply, but it is inevitable that they die before him… But that inevitability does not stop him giving his heart or two to mortals again and again… And it will not stop me from loving another dog, and then another and then another as long as they stay with me…

…

So run with the pack under starry sky in heavens of dogs, my pet. Say my greetings to those who went before you. I will not forget you. Ever.

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Last day of this life…

May 30th, 2008

Then 2.0 life goes into release. Everything is auspiciously quiet. The mail I’d get is already landing in my coworkers mail boxes. I work with two guys and one of them already left. I gave him a hug . Over the edge of my desk and slightly awkwardly, but its much more than I could have coped with a few years back when I started here. I used to be very hug shy. I still am to extent, but it has been getting better.

This job has been good for me in more ways than just overcoming my hug fear. I has been demanding enough to keep me learning while giving enough freedom to choose my own way. I’ve found coworkers here that I click with, lots of people that are neutral to me and some that make my neck hair rise but even them Ive cherished as a way of learning to deal with difficult people. It has been a wonderful experience. But it is time to move on. I really hope I leave this place on the best of terms. I will see about that soon In a few hours there will be a little party at the cafeteria… Me and another long time coworker who’s leaving are throwing it together. I kind of slacked off on it an let him arrange matters. He is the slightly hyperactive sort. I think he doesn’t mind…

Sigh…

Madness of change.

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Change in the air…

April 17th, 2008

Everything is in a flux. I’m changing my life and now it is final, Ill be changing jobs in six weeks. Put in my notice today… I am going to be a system analyst In 2 weeks I will be on my Europe tour wondering wild and free. Ill be attending the Libre Graphics Meeting in Wroclaw, Poland and I will take almost a week to find my way there and another week to get back… I do not have solid plans or routes other than this destination… I intend to be FREE. And take lots of pictures. Hoping for a good weather… Then I’ll be back at work for two more weeks, hopefully passing my stuff on.

And then… The great unknown waits.

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A silly love poem…

April 1st, 2008

When I say “I love you…”
You may wonder what it means.
It means I want to…
…risk it all for you,
…hold your hand when you worry,
…share your pain when you suffer,
…hold you tight when you fall apart,
…share your joy at discovery and success.
I want to be with you.
I want you as you are,
I want to know you to the core.
I still hope that never is tomorrow,
I still hope you will call…
Even if just to say,
“Goodbye, you silly gal!”

I went to this place, a beautiful place by Võrtsjärv yesterday for sunset. I wish I could have taken that special person with me, he would have liked it… It was peaceful. And yet somehow sad all alone. I took some pictures too…

Lonely sunset

P.S Theres an upside to all this moping… I have buried myself into my work and a lot of things that have been on hold are now done. If there was a particularly cruel god ruling over this universe I’d suspect he made February happen just to help me with my work

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Dressing like a normal female…

March 16th, 2008

I’ve not so far bothered with clothing much. I generally don’t give a fuck what people think and dress in whatever is durable, low maintenance and comfy. That’s usually a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, a pair of well worn in sneakers, shoes(usually of the males rack because until few years back you just could not get low heeled female shoes) or tank boots. I usually buy one pair per year and wear them until they fall apart. My only non-winter jacket is a jean jacket I bought from a cheap sales place now seven years ago IIRC. It was not really comfortable so I didn’t wear it much untilI remodeled it a bit. I cut restrictive bits of it off so it would be a better fit. Been loving it ever since. All in all I usually look like the proverbial proto-geek, except that I’m female…

I went shopping in a clothes store yesterday, a WTF on its own, since I usually avoid places that have no power-tools or electronics. All of a sudden out of the blue I get this silly urge to actually casually look female. So I buy a casual DRESS. I own two dresses besides that one, one that I wear when I paint, that one has holes in it and when painting I use it as a hand wiping rag so its rather “colorful” and the other is for formal occasions only, made for school Christmas ball years ago. My first casual dress EVER since childhood. Well I have dress, that it then? And then I realize “HO CRAP! I have nothing to wear it with.” You cant wear a dress and sneakers… And dresses don’t come nice pockets for your things like cellphone and wallet… So I need female looking boots and a handbag! So today I go shopping again and return with boots and the bag. The boots didn’t take that long to find, there only was one pair that looked acceptable and actually came in the size that could fit me. All the rest only had smaller numbers… Fortunately I liked the boots so I bought them. The handbag section was a pain tho. Tons of bags, but very few had shoulder straps… Don’t women ever want to free their hands from holding the damned things? I tried holding many and in the end ended buying the only one that had a long adjustable shoulder strap and bearable color combination, black fabric with brown leather elements fitting more or less with my new brown boots. I also tried to find a suitable jacket but but failed. I am seriously overweight so it would be understandable if I failed to find suitable size, but there was only one jacket I liked as is and even that one had the most tastelessly cold painted buttons and zippers. I dislike gold paint. It will wear of in places and become horrible in no time in addition to being simply UGLY… That jacked did not come in sizes over 48 anyway and I need 52 … Another one did fit me but first it was gross yellowish pink and second suffered the same gold paint issue. YUK! No way in hell I’m going to wear something like THAT!

At home I tried the outfit on and it wasn’t too bad. Except for my legs. More hair than most women would find comfy. Hair removal? Not sure I’m going to go that far. I think I’ll put that on the sheet titled “Things I don’t do” along with makeup. Me trying to do makeup most likely would end in something that makes me look worse not better anyway.

I’m going to go to work in this get-up tomorrow. Lets see if my boss finds a good comment. We have this cute banter about me not being a real female since I’m an IT guy, witch to extent is true . Its going to be fun seeing his reaction to me showing up in a dress.

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A poem for a wall.

February 27th, 2008

Going so totally mad that you end up feeling quite sane and serene is a strange process… Happened to me today, at the hour of the wolf. Something ends when I fall asleep tonight. I’d love to hope hope something better also starts… but… That is not my choice to make.

****

Need is the word.
Need to know you are there.
Rain of the night washed sadness away.
My need for you still lingers.
You sitting next to me feels right.
And for now that cannot be,
for your own sake.
Destiny, bound to each other,
as a punishment perhaps…
We stand at the beginning again.
Life is a wheel, ring ends the cycle.
I could not take your wall.
I rember how it hurt,
when you blew my walls,
I see yours cracking,
I have to stop.
I am mad already, always was…
You need not be this way.
I must stay away and you stay strong.
Still, if your walls fall,
If you break, come to me,
I will be your wall.
I will try to make you whole.
I will never forget.
I will always love.
You.
I will always be there.
At the end of the line.

Until you need me, bye

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